Rant: On Car Alarms

I was sitting on the porch today with the laptop and the excellent weather just enjoying myself.

As the breeze rustled the leaves and the birds sang, there was no place i'd rather be.

All of a sudden a car across the street began a Cacophonous Outburst awaking me from my midspring dream. Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! I looked over in that direction looking for the Squad of Ski-Mask Clad Burglers in process of Grand Theft Auto.

Nothing but a squirrel. A very frightened squirrel.

The car in question is a very expensive German made luxury SUV no doubt outfitted with more sensors and microprocessors than the supercomputers of yesteryear. While I have no doubt the car felt it was in danger, try as I might, I could not identify the threat. If, in fact, the car was being stolen in another dimension, I see no reason for the alarm to extend into this dimension, the one where I was enjoying a nice spring day outside.

As a highly trained statistician, let me point out the following:

Based on these scientific figures, Car Alarms are not very effective in relation to the rate of false positives

Rather than emit an ear piercing (and spring day shattering) noise, lets rewire all the car alarms to provide an electric shock to the bearer of the keys. This way, the owner would be instantaneously alerted to any perilous situation involving their automobile AND those enjoying a nice spring day outside could avoid senseless disturbance of the peace.

Granted, some of the car alarm incidents in the statistics table above were purposely activated by some selfish and ignorant car owner in hopes of locating their car in a parking lot.

My proposed solution does not address the 'I lost my car in a parking lot' problem. While perceived as a shortcoming of my innovation by some, I perceive it as a training issue, not one that needs a software solution. Rational adults can certainly agree that if the owner of a vehicle doesn't possess the mental capacity to remember where the automobile is parked, then the owner certainly has no business piloting a FIVE THOUSAND POUND cruise missile down busy streets

Obviously, this would be a disruptive technology and would require many hundreds of thousands of vehicles to be retrofitted with these new devices. The revenue generated by such activities would be enormous. Certainly more than I personally could spend in a lifetime. I have just received a patent from the United States Patent Office for my apparatus and am soliciting investors to bring it to market. If you would like to invest in this Ground Breaking Technology, and share in the immense returns from such a venture, please donate via the PayPal button on the left side of the page.

I look forward to many years of prosperity founded on this much needed technology.