To the Acura Driving Teenager

Posted By : Dan Wilson March 15, 2007 5:54 PM

Hi, you might remember me. I was the guy in the Porsche this afternoon you wanted to race. I know you were perplexed when I didn't take you up on your challenge. Allow me to explain.

See, once upon a time, I was a street racer too. I had a car I thought was very fast and I took great pleasure in revving my 4 cylinder engine and challenging all comers, so trust me, I know where you are coming from. I chose not to race you because I am 31 years old now. A lot has changed since I was your age.

Frankly, at my age, I am more concerned with the price of gas than bragging rights to a street race. Seems strange doesn't it? When your mommy stops buying your gas and you finally get a job, I think it will clear up for you.

There are some other reasons as well.

Your car says Acura on the front of it. Acura is a make of automobile manufactured by Honda, a corporation mostly known for making fuel efficient vehicles. My car says Porsche on the front, a company mostly known for making incredibly performant vehicles. Think on that one for a second.

As they say on TV, "But Wait, there is more!"

Your car has a wing on the rear. A quite impressive structure, your wing. I believe it stands at least a foot tall. It also looks homemade, did you make it yourself?

My car also has a wing on the rear. It isn't quite as tall as your wing but a tad more stylish than your contraption which happens to look more at home on top of a semi-tractor cab than a japanese import vehicle. Just my opinion, mind you.

Opinions aside for a moment, there is another subtle difference between your wing and mine. Your wing is on the rear of your car. Your drive wheels are in the front. Any fourth grader with a passing interest in aerodynamics will tell you your wing puts extra downforce on the rear of your car thusly, reducing the traction available. Not a great feature when racing, let me tell you. On the contrary, the wing on my car is over my drive wheels and adds traction. A handy feature when racing in wet conditions, as it was today.

My car also has a deep exhaust sound. It came from the factory like that. Sounds powerful doesn't it? Not to be mistaken for a car impersonating a misfiring weed eater as your noble ride appeared to be doing zooming up behind me.

Finally, notice the panels on my car are all the same color. This might not provide any racing benefits, but it sure looks much better than your custom patchwork quilt look.

It is possible I am just out of touch with what is 'Cool' these days. If we meet again, my greasy haired speed racer, kindly fill me in on how puberty is going.